The journey of one girl, one brain tumo(u)r and perhaps a bit more

Time to Say Goodbye

skablifrisk — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 18:44:16 +0000

Quando sono sola
sogno all’orizzonte
e mancan le parole,
si lo so che non c’è luce
in una stanza quando manca il sole,
se non ci sei tu con me, con me.
Su le finestre
mostra a tutti il mio cuore
che hai accesso,
chiudi dentro me
la luce che
hai incontrato per strada.

Time to say goodbye…

It’s one of the songs I contemplated having for my funeral (click here to listen). As I don’t seem to be needing to plan my funeral any time soon, I think I would like to turn off here. I feel as if I’m at the end of this journey and beginning a new one.

Strawberry Fields Forever

skablifrisk — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 20:39:45 +0000

Sometimes I read back at what I’ve written and can’t understand how I was never at loss for words. I guess I permitted myself to let it all out, to just explode as if it was my last breath of fresh air. Watching the second half of Last Holiday reminded me of how it was. Some days I just seem to forget all too quickly about being brave, nice, having nothing to lose i.e. risking more, not to feel guilty, in other words, LIVING TIME.

“Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.”
John Lennon, Strawberry Fields

I was reminded of life’s (and technology’s) wonders as I opened an attached file in an email from Canada. It was a scanned picture that I had drawn at about age seven. It was from a former colleague of my father, who made the most amazing strawberry jam. I can still remember how good it was, juicy and rich with flavour, and best of all, home-made.

Survival Statistics

skablifrisk — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 10:12:31 +0000

Statistics are great. We can base our lives on statistics to feel safer, healthier, smarter, cooler, you name it. Take this blog for example, I can see what links are more favourable to click on compared to others strewn around this site.

For some time now, OrganDonor.gov and Anmälan till donationsregistret have been all the way up there, which I’ve gathered has meant that all you people reading this are getting your names signed up, stating whether or not you are willing to donate your organs. It’s the only thing I’ve ever asked for throughout all this. Statistically, if more of us sign up, we all have a greater chance of surviving.

Back On Day 367

skablifrisk — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:47:00 +0000

Who would have thought that I would return back to work just about a year after suddenly disappearing. At least “sudden disappearance” is better than “sudden death”.

I find it really sad with disappearing acts. I think I had a pretty good reason last year. I just wish I could understand why others would do the same WITHOUT providing a good reason. How cryptic is that? Hey, what happened to “Vårda goda relationer”??

Another favourite is, “Förbered dig noga, men låt det verka improviserat” (Prepare carefully, but make it seem improvised), which was a good tip as I held a Toastmaster speech this evening. These reminders can all be found in a small straw coloured booklet that I’ve kept in my office over the years. I just found it again and started dipping into it, whilst getting back on track again.

The Sand and Rock

skablifrisk — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:09:43 +0000

I received below story from a friend and I thought it grasped what everything is all about. I made an attempt at translating it (see bottom of page):

SANDEN & STENEN – Det är en historia om två vänner som vandrar i öknen. Vid ett tillfälle börjar dom gräla och den ena ger den andra en örfil. Den senare, som får ont, men inget säger, skriver i sanden, “Idag fick jag en örfil av min bäste vän”.

De fortsätter att promenera och kommer till en oas, där de bestämmer sig för att bada. Den som fått en örfil tidigare, håller på att drunkna men hans vän räddar honom. När han kommit till sans igen, skriver han på en sten, “I dag räddade min bästa vän mitt liv”.

Den som givit örfilen och sedan räddat sin vän frågar, “När jag skadade dig skrev du i sanden och nu när jag räddat dig skriverdu på en sten, varför?”

Den andra svarar, “När någon skadar oss skall vi skriva det i sand där förlåtelsens vindar lätt kan sudda ut det.När någon gör något bra, bör vi gravera in det på en sten där ingen vind någonsin kan sudda ut det”.

Lär dig att skriva dina skador i sand och dina glädjeämnen på sten.

THE SAND & ROCK – This is a story of two friends walking in the desert. After a while they start quarrelling and one of them gives the other a slap in the face. The friend, who’s in pain but says nothing, writes in the sand, “Today I was slapped by my best friend”.

They keep walking and arrive at an oasis, where they decide to go bathing. The one who was earlier slapped in the face is now drowning but his friend manages to save him. When he regains consciousness, he writes on a rock, “Today my best friend saved my life”.

The one who had given the slap and then saved his friend asks, “When I injured you, you wrote in the sand and now when I saved you, you write on a rock, why?”

The other answered, “When someone hurts us we shall write it in sand where the winds of forgiveness can easily wipe it out. When someone does something good, we should engrave it on a rock where no wind may ever erase it”.

Learn to write your injuries in sand and your joys on rock.

Keyword: “I feel”

skablifrisk — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 08:59:55 +0000

The song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” keeps appearing. What is it about a song that is so soothing? I turned on the TV yesterday morning and there she was, Judy Garland, black and white.

Here’s some good news. I start work on Friday. I can’t get away from the fact that my work is a big part of who I am. I’ve missed that part of me during these past 12 months. Interestingly, I will start the day after my one year “anniversary” of getting the t u m o u r diagnosis. I still hate uttering the word cancer, even though it’s my astrological sign, with the keyword “I feel”. What star sign wouldn’t feel struck?

Mix of Blue and Red

skablifrisk — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 21:47:44 +0000

I picked up a poetry book today by Iréne Alomar. The cover reminded me of the beams of light that I “saw” flashing during my radiation treatment, “Blue-Violet” (75% / 25% mix of Blue and Red). Then I read the title, “The Turning Point”

The lady in the health shop said it was written by a local woman who, in addition, had published it herself.

Browsing the introduction I was hit by words such as “change of winds”, “mountains”, “borders” and “inner journey”…

I love it when people surprise me. Looks can deceive… Below are soundbites of above mentioned author and a video that made me grin (just like Connie).

A little reminder.

Be very careful,

be very aware,
when you walk,

you may step on
a rare and tender flower…

Turning Leaf

skablifrisk — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 09:48:30 +0000

When my husband and I go to New York we love drinking Turning Leaf. I’m reminded of this as we move into the new year. I have for a while been saying that I am looking forward to turning the page and starting on a fresh new leaf of paper. I remember having similar thoughts when 2007 was on the chew.

Ironically, when gazing forward and looking back, life is awesome. As for new year resolutions, they still stand:

Seek first to understand
Have faith!

Resting the Mind

skablifrisk — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 13:50:46 +0000

So, when was it I wrote here last? My urge to communicate to the (cyber) world is dwindling (un)fortunately. I think when hell broke loose soon to be one year ago, I wanted everyone to get a wake-up call: don’t waste your life, don’t take anything for granted, don’t worry, be happy, take care of your family and friends and the list goes on. It’s perhaps time for me to rest the mind or as Captain J. A. Hadfield once put it:

This art of resting the mind and the power of dismissing from it all care and worry is probably one of the secrets of energy in our great men.

Now? I am slowly living normally. I look forward to starting work again, I look forward to spending Christmas in its true sense and I have ENERGY! I’m starting to feel like a Duracell battery again.

On the other hand, according to Albert Camus:

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Shredding Time

skablifrisk — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 03:43:37 +0000

I hope my body’s not planning on doubling back to any old nasty habit of waking up at ungodly hours.

Zaman’s pendulum wall clock recently struck 3 a.m in our living room, I woke up and decided, wehey, I have an urge to write.

Pendulum clocks, and especially this one hanging on our wall, used to give me a foreboding feeling. For a while I had trouble remembering to wind her up, hence she would eventually stop ticking after about a week. These days I have a tendency to wind her up every time I’m in the living room. Neither is a preferable option if you ask me.

Speaking of time, how many of you have a chainsaw in your closet or car trunk/boot? My husband does and he’s just put it to some good use. We’ve had a large shabby pine tree standing in our garden, with an awkward lean. To add to the drama, our cars are parked nearby. Hence there wasn’t much to consider apart from taking the 60-something year old grand lady down. We will definitely not have trouble keeping the house warm this winter.

I should also give praise to the woodchipper. All branches and twigs less than 5 cm in diameter are fed into my grandfather’s passed on electrical shredder by Maria. When first gazing up at the mountain of twigs and branches, I thought this is going to be one menial task. However, I’m finding that I’m loving it, standing outside in freezing gorgeous weather, shredding wood, hour after hour…