NEWSWEEK, “Living With Cancer“
April 23, 2007

If you say there is no God,
you deny the abundant
evidence witnessed
in the mysteries of life,
conscience, spirit
and soul [...]

Picked up in Chicago, USA by my father.
Thank you, KJELL!

My Dad has often landed in trouble due to his name. Why do you think my name is Maria and my brother’s Martin? It’s pronounced “Shell”, BTW, and he’s not Jewish even though it sounds as if he is greeting you with Shalom on the phone. He’s a peaceful man, though. Hey Dad! Why not switch to Mushi mushi and/or click here?

This song is for all my heroes, men and/or women.

Chris, I hope you don’t mind and that King Hong Kong, suimasen, Edo, is serving you well. Gambate and “see you soon“, ne? I must show Zaman Harajuku so that he doesn’t get too worried when he hangs out with our Japanese friends in Sweden…

I have a friend,  who has to list his favorite eight movies. Can you imagine having a job that PAYS you to do these things? I’m jealous, I admit it. I’m listing movies in this forum and being payed NOTHING. I pretend this blog is my job, for after May 11th I can’t play that I am going to Truvy’s beauty parlor aka Salong Guldsaxen in MÖLNLYCKE, where one of my best friends’ mother work and who I didn’t invite to the banquet as there wasn’t room. Every workday my radiating beauty sessions follow up with business lunch as I crave for constructive feedback.

I am signed up for a semi-formal business lunch on May 25th, I believe, and I had the fortune to choose restaurant. I would have preferred Legal Lobster on Long Island, but I settled for PORTOFINO. So close to my house that I can cycle. I realise that I need to ask my Neurologist whether I am even allowed to cycle. I’m taking all my medicines like a good girl, even if the best of us can get confused. Either way, I’ve therapeutically become accustomed to ask for help, so I will consider asking my work colleagues to come and fetch me first. Besides, I know the roads out here and it’s pretty confusing to find the place, even if you do print a map first [...]

Speaking of confusion. I’ve grown up with the perfect father. This is probably because he was seldom home for his work often brought him far, far away from his family. That meant that my mother had to take most of the crap from my brother and me. Mum, I’m sorry for being so MEAN. Did I tell you all, who’ve had the energy to read this far, that we’re next-door neighbours? Hence, Maria makes it her own right to keep beating the crap out of her mother (because she should be used to it by now?). My Birthday (suit) is coming up this summer:

Mom, you know what you should give me? The same present Morfar Karl-Erik Hansson gave YOU! Boxing gloves. I’ll fix the deer and/or moose carcass to hang in the “Friggeboden” (I’ll try to find a picture, but this will have to do for now). What has one of Sweden’s worst mass-murderers, John Ausonius, to do with it? Read this book and find out. Dah, dah, dah, daaaaah. I can’t tell you whether it has been translated or not. Learn SWEDISH! If your preferences lie elsewhere, go to my newly found and definite top8 Maria cafés and book stores Pocket Medmera, Kapellplatsen 2. (Open Mon-Fri 10 am – 6 pm, Sat 10.15 am – 3 pm) and find out. I even got a book signed there by an author who managed to sell one of his newly published books to me for 100 something SEK because he didn’t treat me like a freak.

My perfect father for some reason mixed up his anti-hypertensive drugs. Did I tell you that he used to work as a drug dealer in the 1970’s? He’s hardly senile for he just came back from Chicago, IL a few hours ago and managed to find his way home without a Global Positioning System in his (SWEDISH?) [...]

How can this man mix up his pills? I used to like the game Monopoly (including the brilliant recipes) but I tend to get bored by it these days. I’ve played it too often I presume. My absolute favourite boardgame Carcasonne is heading that way as well, even though Zaman a while back picked up the latest version with all possible extension packs. We only have one SWEDISH pharmacy in this country. APOTEKET (AB?). I wrote a tribute to Morrissey a while back. Pore over his poetry but read Apoteket instead of America, for they are both currently saving my life.

Am I typing this from a canoe? Nope, we’re just chilling for a while. We’ll get there eventually I believe and/or think. Today, tomorrow, forever? Does it matter?

Maria: You know what? I’m back! I’ve organised a canoing weekend. It will just be my husband, son and myself. Probably because I was a little late with sending out the information. That’s OK, though.

Maria: My point was not to get everyone in the water. I believe it was more to prove to myself that I can still “do” these sort of things despite everything that has happened. Whilst we’re on the subject, Zaman loves the following “Buddweiser” expression as well as MJ (the Beer Hunter and THRILLER l’eau de vie-man). I’m using my husband’s example, Budweiser, to illustrate, but feel free to stick Foster, or Pripps, or Stella,  or any other pale lager/SINGLE Malt Whisk(e)y in there, heck why not even try Guinness, and you’ll get the point,

Zaman (by whom?): Drinking Budweiser is like making love in a canoe; it’s fucking close to water.

Brian: Please, please, please listen! I’ve got one or two things to say.
The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian: Look, you’ve got it all wrong! You don’t NEED to follow ME, You don’t NEED to follow ANYBODY! You’ve got to think for your selves! You’re ALL individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We’re all individuals!
Brian: You’re all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
Man in crowd: I’m not…
The Crowd: Sch!

Maria: I like Guinness, I like Life of Brian, I like making love (never tried it in a canoe), so that must be my reason for organising the trip. Interesting. How many of you here have experienced Theory of Knowledge (TOK) class’? International Baccalaureate (IB) students can put your hands down (quickly now for you don’t want anyone to think that you’re stupid) for this question was just a bit too easy for you. Don’t start getting ideas that there are any easy questions in the next month or two coming your way. Actually, think TOK and you’ll impress the examiners to WANT to give you sevens and A’s.

Matthias: Look, I don’t think it should be a sin, just for saying “Jehovah”.
[Everyone gasps]
Jewish Official: You’re only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official: I’m warning you! If you say “Jehovah” one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners: She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Jewish Official: Was it you?
Stoner: Yes.
Jewish Official: Right…
Stoner: Well you did say “Jehovah. “
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Jewish Official: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even… and I want to make this absolutely clear… even if they do say, “Jehovah. “
[Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death]

Maria:Me? I had completely forgot about my TOK classes, but had Ulf talked about the above and not mentioned Cogito, ergo sum or Dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum, which (the latter is Latin for ”I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am”), I would probably have payed more attention. If you really want to dig into this, you can supposedly read Principles of Philosophy, Part 1, article 7: “Ac proinde hæc cognitio, ego cogito, ergo sum, est omnium prima & certissima, quæ cuilibet ordine philosophanti occurrat” and/or, like me, click here.

Reg: [arriving at Brian's crucifixion] Hello, Sibling Brian.
Brian: Thank God you’ve come, Reg.
Reg: Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. “We the People’s Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. “
Brian: What?
Reg: “Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. ” And I’d just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you’re doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time. 
 

Maria: I doubted, so now you understand WHY I chose to pick up my Latin during Biomedical Sciences classes in Manchester and/or London. I’m confused, are you confused? What am I? I doubt, I try to think albeit its difficult for my memory is ridiculously short. That makes me… A duck or a WITCH?! Either way, BURN HER! Burn her!

Matthias: Look, I don’t think it should be a sin, just for saying “Jehovah”.
[Everyone gasps]
Jewish Official: You’re only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official: I’m warning you! If you say “Jehovah” one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners: She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Jewish Official: Was it you?
Stoner: Yes.
Jewish Official: Right…
Stoner: Well you did say “Jehovah. “
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Jewish Official: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even… and I want to make this absolutely clear… even if they do say, “Jehovah. “
[Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death] Tip: Log onto World of Warcraft and look up Zaman who can explain most of my ramblings. And if you’re interested in bewitchment, keep playing, but don’t get burnt.

Brian: You have to be different!
The Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Small lonely voice: I’m not!

Maria: Ulf also managed to get me to pick up a few facts and figures about five world religions in less than five hours, so he was (is still, I’m sure) a pretty cool guy. Funny I’ve hardly allowed myself (had time is a better phrase) to think about all of this in ten years. Now that it’s my ten year anniversary of something I hated, I’m willing to be nice about it. I’ve even conversed with Ela’s father on Karl Gustavsgatan 28 and booked tables at Krakow for 19 hundred hours on 16-Jun-2007. I hope more people turn up then than for my canoing trip. I will leave it to my psychotherapist to analyse that.

Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People’s Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack!
[they all stab themselves]
Suicide Squad Leader: That showed ‘em, huh?

---

Brian?s mother: He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!

---

Brian: I’m not a roman mum, I’m a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I’m kosher mum, I’m a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!

---

Brian: I’m not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, fuck off!
[silence]
Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

Maria:I admit, having a shrink who asks all the right questions isn’t too bad. Not willing to write any more about that, I’ll instead conclude with the following:

Maria: Speaking of shrinks, Plato (427 BC – 347 BC) said something very cool in The Republic (which Maria has no clue about but willing to pick up after this) and would probably amuse himself with above quote(s),

Plato: Mankind censure injustice fearing that they may be the victims of it, and not because they shrink from committing it.